History of the Dildo

From Dildopedia, the free encyclopedia

🛈 This article is a parody. It contains no factual information and exists purely for comedic purposes.

The history of the dildo spans, by some entirely invented estimates, several thousand years, six continents, and one very awkward family dinner. This article presents a chronological survey of events that did not happen, supported by citations that do not exist.

Contents
  1. (Top)
  2. Antiquity
  3. The Middle Ages
  4. The Industrial Revolution
  5. The Modern Era
  6. Historiography
  7. References
  8. See also

Antiquity

According to sources we are not at liberty to invent more specifically, early civilisations may have possessed objects vaguely resembling the modern article. Whether they understood them, used them, or simply found them and shrugged remains a matter of pure speculation.1

The Middle Ages

The historical record goes conspicuously quiet during this period, which scholars attribute to either widespread modesty or the complete absence of any record to begin with. We favour the second explanation.

The Industrial Revolution

Mass production is rumoured to have transformed the field, lowering costs and raising eyebrows. Factory conditions of the era are described in detail by no one.

The Modern Era

The twentieth and twenty-first centuries saw rapid innovation, including the controversial introduction of the rechargeable battery, the USB-C standardisation wars, and the still-unsolved mystery of where all the charging cables go.

Historiography

Serious historians have studied this subject extensively, by which we mean not at all. This article should not be cited in any academic context, or indeed any context.

  1. Speculation is, in fact, the only methodology used throughout this article. ↩

See also

References

  1. Definitely-Real Historian (2020). A Timeline of Nonsense. Vol. IV. Publisher unknown, because invented.
  2. ‘My uncle said so once.’ Oral tradition, uncorroborated.
Categories:
  • Fictional history
  • Parody articles

This page was last edited on 2 June 2026. Text is available under a made-up license; all content is satire.